


the past is a grotesque animal

by Tangerina



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Dealing With Trauma, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-21
Updated: 2019-09-21
Packaged: 2020-10-25 08:10:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20720978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tangerina/pseuds/Tangerina
Summary: it should have been him.





	the past is a grotesque animal

**Author's Note:**

> when i walked out of the theater on saturday 7th i thought “bill should have died”. i got home and wrote an eight page essay about book!reddie and movie!reddie and how frustrated i was with the movie and i wrote “bill should have died!!” because, besides everything, i’m a sucker for the main character dying in a heroic way. thirteen days later i’m… wow. bill should not have died. this is my apology to you, big bill. 
> 
> also thank you @sadplant for beta-reading!!! i love you so very much

“It should have been me,” Bill whispered. 

The room was dark, the curtains closed. Mike was lying by his side, Bill hoped he was asleep. Mike deserved to rest. Mike deserved the fucking world. Mike didn’t deserve some stupid man by his side, a man that had felt guilty for so long that he forgot how to truly forgive himself. 

Bill said to his younger-Pennywise-version that it wasn’t his fault. Georgie didn’t die because of Bill. But Eddie… Bill could have saved him. Bill should have saved him. Where was his mind when he agreed with Bev and Ben about leaving Eddie there? Bill should have been firmer. He should have said to them: no, no, Bev, Ben, he can’t stay here, this is not where he is supposed to be, we can carry him, we can bring him home, _ he ain’t heavy, he’s my brother_. He should have thought about how Richie would feel. 

“Hey,” a soft voice, Mike’s voice. A hand on his shoulder, a body coming closer to his. Mike embraced him. Bill felt the tears in his eyes finding their way out. He was such a crybaby. Always crying, always guilty, never enough to save his friends, his little brother, but always enough to put them in danger. So selfish, so vengeful. 

“I-it shu-shu-should have b-been me,” he repeated. Bill should have died for them, not Eddie. “I was… I was the o-o-one to begin all this… It should have been me. No-not Eddie. N-never him.”

“Bill,” a serious tone. Bill knew he was being selfish once more, waking up Mike from his sleep. Always the same boy, the boy who wanted to hunt It, the boy who wanted to hurt who hurt his little brother. Always the same boy, the boy who needed his friends not to fall apart. 

(bill thinks about his parents, his parents that stopped caring about him after georgie’s death. bill thinks about opening the fridge and finding nothing but alcohol and old food. bill thinks about the times he came home after school, hungry, and learning how to cook without supervision, all the times he burned his fingers, all the times he cut his hands, his parents didn’t care. _ mom dad i’m here i’m still here please look at me just once just one time i’ll be good i promise_. he thinks about his _ a_s turning to _ c_s and zack and sharon looking at him like they never expected more from him anyway. when a teacher congratulated bill for his writing, saying he could go far with it, bill was so so so excited and them he got home and told sharon and - nothing. always, nothing. a hollow home, hollow parents, his heart starting to be hollow as well.)

“It’s not about you,” Mike said. In anyone’s mouth, these would be hard words. But they weren’t. There were no hard words in Mike’s mouth, ever. “Eddie’s sacrifice… it wasn’t about you, Bill. It was about him. About his love for Richie, of course, and his love for us. But mostly, about him. About him wanting to be brave, to do good, to finally…,” and Mike stopped. Bill felt that he too was crying. “Don’t make this about yourself. We should honour him.”

Hard words in the mouth of any other person. Hope words in the mouth of Mike Hanlon.

Bill wanted to agree, he wanted to agree so bad, but all his life he spent blaming himself. It was hard getting out of the black and into the blue. He trembled into Mike’s hug. How could he explain? How could he explain that he knew other people would think the same, if they knew? Eddie didn’t deserve to die. Eddie had suffered all his life because of his mother, because of his fear of a sickness that grew inside of him, because of him. Eddie deserved to be happy for the rest of his life. Eddie deserved the rest of his life. Bill was the one that brought them together for the first time, Bill was the one that Eddie looked up to, Bill was the one- 

(bill was the one that had never wanted to be a leader, bill was the one who hated it so, so much, he just wanted to rest, to have someone to deal with It instead of him, to have someone to look up to. bill knew the losers expected answers from him and he wanted to tell them _ i’m the same as you please don’t look at me like that i don’t know what i’m doing i just want my brother back_.)

-Bill was the disposable one. If he had died and not Georgie, his parents would have remembered him, but they would never forget to care about Georgie. Bill was the leader, as a leader, he should have sacrificed himself. Richie was his best friend, the one who prefered riding double on Silver than to use his own bike. He should have died, and Richie and Eddie could finally, finally be happy. 

“Bill? Bill, are you listening to me?,” hands turning him around, hands on his face, Bill didn’t want to open his eyes. Mike’s eyes were comfort, he didn’t deserve comfort. “Bill, open your eyes. Please.”

But he could not. With closed eyes, he could see Eddie’s body there, in the sewers. _ He' unresponsive ‘cause you’re irresponsible_. It should have been him, all those years ago. When Richie saved him (_richie, richie, i’m sorry, i’m sorry_), and all his friends followed. He should have stayed down there, by Pennywise’s side all his life. He should have spared his friends. He should’ve, he should’ve, he should’ve.

Kisses on his eyes, on his cheeks. Mike kissed his forehead. “Bill, it’s not your fault. You know that. It got Georgie that day, but It could get Georgie any other day. And Eddie… Eddie would be so mad if any of us died trying to bring him back, Bill. I can even hear his voice in my head,” a smile. “The best we can do about what happened to him is… is to live, Bill. Just live.”

“Bu-bu-but,” Bill tried to say, tried to argue. But he couldn’t. Not because he was entirely convinced of what Mike was saying. He knew for how long he could carry sorrow in his heart. But this was really not about him. It was about Eddie. Eddie died smiling. Eddie died smiling and Bill wanted the chance to see that smile just once more, that peaceful smile so rare on his friend’s face. 

“I know you will blame yourself for god knows how long, but listen to me,” Mike said and Bill finally opened up his eyes. Mike was smiling at him. “I’ll be by your side every day to remind you that you deserve to be happy too. Just like Ben and Bev. Just like Richie. Richie never blamed you, dear. Richie will never blame you. No one will. Because you may have brought us together, but we stayed because of our own designs.”

Bill couldn’t argue with that, Mike knew. Mike smiled and pressed a soft kiss on Bill’s lips. “We stayed because we love each other. Eddie loved us so much he fought his mom to be with us. He fought his fears to save us. And I’m staying by your side because I love you, William Denbrough. I love you so much.”

It wasn’t what Bill deserved, he knew that. He didn’t deserve all that kindness, he didn’t deserve Mike’s pure heart. But it was what he needed. “T-t-thank you,” he whispered. “I luh-love you too, you know,” he giggled. 

Mike hugged him until he fell into a dreamless sleep. He would be fine. For Georgie. For Eddie. For Richie and Mike. And, maybe for the first time, for himself. 


End file.
